I want to be a good man

God is the best teacher and has carried me thru many places in my life when the world around me had crumbled. He's an awesome God and I love it when He whispers in my ear, "be patient my son, let me show you what I can do". He has a great plan for my life and I know there is a time not too far away when I will be as happy as I have ever been. I don't understand how that can happen but He's done it before and He will do it again. My life has been filled with times when I've been about as happy as a person can ever be but I have a feeling that something good is about to happen that will bring back my smile, my joy, and my laughter. One of my favorite songs is by Chris Young titled "I want to be a good man". God is what makes a man good and I'm glad that I know God is in my corner coaching me to keep my focus on what He can do. Paul said, "I can do all things thru Christ". Its the only way that I have made it and with the Grace of God on my side, there's nothing that can stop the good things that He has in store for me and my family.

Learning to lean

it's not easy for me to lean on friends even though real friends don't mind lending support and listening to our frustrations and questions. as a counselor i have talked and listened to many friends but as a person who is confused and searching for answers it's very hard for me to ask for help. for the past 4 weeks i've been meeting with a good friend and counselor named Terry Shank who manages the Winshape Marriage Retreat where i now work. he's helped me to see things that i have managed to suppress for quite some time now. i'm still confused about how my life has crumbled around decisions that i made without God. i'm better than i was a few months ago but still walking like a blind man grasping for directions. it would be nice for someone to say, ok jeff this is what you've got to do, but it doesn't work that way. i'm 46 and its a heavy feeling to know that i'm starting over again with a bleak view of what i can do. what i have to remind myself is that it's not what i can do but what God can do. one of the things i've managed to do over the years is to seperate myself from having to lean on anyone. i've always wanted to appear to others like everything is perfect and alright. i've never wanted to be a weight or bother to anyone. i've always found it very gratifying to be able to help others but it's very humbling to admit that i need help. i've had my share of valleys but this one makes all the others seem small. my struggles that i'm in now has almost taken my life and most certainly has crippled my judgement, stolen my laughter and joy, and inflicted more loneliness and shame than i've ever imagined. i look back on my life thinking where in the world did i start down the path that has led me to this place. my counseling meeting yesterday helped to answer a small part of that question and this path was most likely began when i seperated myself from the support of friends. no matter how good you are or how close to God you think you are, no one is exempt from falling prey to temptation. God will always provide a way of escape but sometimes when we have no one to lean on, we fail to look for that way of escape. i've found that most people ignore God's directions until chaos sets in, and then we look to God and say ok, now will you fix it. i don't know how God will do it, but He has a plan that will lead to a life full of joy, laughter, and happiness. i'm still unsure and confused about a lot of things, but one thing i'm sure of is that God still loves me. and that's enough for me to make it one day at a time... i understand that God is a healer and He has a healing for me that will set me free from the bondage of sin and from the misery of unforgiveness. i'm sorry for allowing myself to give in to the temptations and He has forgiven me... i'm fighting to work my way thru this trial of forgiving myself. i'm not there yet but i'm on my way ;-)

Great Expectations for 2010

this little guy knows he can give ya some good lovin'. Noah is 14 months old now and is into everything. its almost unbearable for me to be so far away from terrie and noah.  but in God's time things come together and i'm lookin' forward for us to be together. i've had my share of trials and mountains but God is faithful and has always loved me. even when we fail to follow Him, His love never diminishes. There's nothing like walking with God. We've been friends for a long time and i'm glad to know He still loves me. His forgiveness is always as close as our prayer... but it takes a little longer for us to forgive ourselves and let ourselves be happy again.
our adversary has kept me down for quite some time now but i've been thinkin' about the eagle story and how that the eagle was not made to walk in the dark valley but he was created to fly high in the sky and make his nest high on the mountain side. i'm not sure what God will let me do but as the blind man once said, i was blind but now i see. i can't see the future but i can see God and that's enough for me. i'm just taking each day, one day at a time. i'm not happy with my circumstances but i am happy knowing that God is guiding me and keeping me in the palm of His hand. i also know that God protects the ones we love and His angels are keeping Terrie and Noah safe in alabama.

terrie was so happy to get to see wesley during the Christmas holiday. he attends college and is an excellent athlete. today is terrie's birthday and she turned 35.

we like playing chess and she has become an excellant chess player. somebody (wonder who) has taught her some pretty good chess moves and she's not afraid to use 'em. i miss sitting together on the couch and watching a good movie. when i went to visit for christmas, we managed to watch a couple of movies when noah was taking a his nap. when he is awake, it's playtime, wrestle time, watch what i can do time, and he's more fun to watch than any ole movie. we can never get enough of playing with him.

Being in the presence of God

i woke up this morning thinking about noah as i do every morning.  i miss him and pray for God's angels to watch over him. i know that God will in His own time work things out for me. i'm moving on with my life and following God again. it feels good to be in His presence and it was a good feeling when i walked into to church this morning. i attended armuchee church of God and sat beside brother Leon Coley.  it was just what i needed and i'm going back to the night service tonight. it's nice to be off from the pizza place. i cut back on my hours at papa johns and working only 4 days a week delivering pizzas. i started on a paint job last week at first baptist church in lindale and will try to finish it up as soon as the weather warms up a little.

When God says, "Now look what I can do"

It was a very merry Christmas to see this big smiling cowboy ride his wild little pony. Noah is a gift from God that has brought countless smiles to my face and i love him more than words can say. There's nothin like hearing this little guy coming down the hallway lookin' for trouble, he is soOOooOO funny and i know there's a lot more of that in the days to come. i can't wait for things to work out for us to be together all the time. Patience wasn't on my list when Terrie and I met but we are now both waiting for God to show us His Will for our lives.

i'm still working 3 jobs in rome, ga which is approx 320 miles north of where my heart is but i know in time all things will come together. i enjoy getting to work with enoch at winshape and have found it to be a place where God is mending my heart. i've been a broken person for quite some time now and really don't know how it all came to be but God is an all-knowing God and nothing gets by Him. He still loves me and is teaching me to love myself again. it just takes time but i'm getting there. i'm comfortable delivering pizza for papa johns and do a pretty good job but it's taking a toll on my truck and it's also teaching me how to be a better driver ;-) i've also started a paint job at first baptist church in lindale along with some other yards that i take care of, yeah i've got myself a full plate. i know its too many hours to work a week but i'm trusting that this is only temporary. i just take it one day at a time and i'm waiting to hear God say, "now look what I can do".

Good things come to those who wait

we've all heard that patience is a virtue and with a life full of experiences i've learned that this virtue will grow thru endurance of trials. it's when we are tested that we find out what we are made of. (i know, i just ended a sentence with a prepositional phrase ;-)  anyways, i know that with the calling of God comes great responsiblity and i also know that when we are faced with a mountain that we cannot climb, God says, "now let me show you what i can do". the two things i've always wanted most in life is to serve God and to be loved. God is gracious and forgiving; He has never let me down and has an amazing talent of turning my life around when it seems i'm drowning (II Sam 22 which is btw my favorite scripture passage). God has not only forgiven me for where i have fallen but He has a plan. He says in II Sam 22:10 "He bowed the heavens and came down; and darkness was under his feet." then in verse 17 he says, "He sent from above, he took me; he drew me out of many waters;" and in verse 22 "...he delivered me, because he delighted in me". God promised me a long time ago that He would bless me with greater blessing than i have ever seen and i have seen some great outpourings of God.

i am grateful to have people that love me and still love me. Terrie and I were not very patient to begin with but for the past year we have rededicated our lives to the Lord to live right and follow Him. It has been unbearable at times to be apart but God is faithful to bring good things to those who wait. Isaiah 30:18 says that "blessed are all they that wait for him." We are praying about God's plan for our lives and I know that when God's time is right, we can be a happy family that can serve God together.

a little hard work...

a little hard work never hurt anybody... my dad never really said it but by example, he taught me how to be work like a man fighten fire. as long as i can remember, my dad worked at two jobs. i'm trying to get my feet on the ground, spiritually and financially. God has my feet on the rock of ages and i'm doin' pretty good there but between working with Enoch, Papa Johns, and some side work i'm puttin' in about 90 hours a week for now but i know God has a plan where i'll be able see my little boy and watch him grow up.

sometimes we think we can do it all ourselves but i know from experience that all my efforts are futile without God at the helm of my life. i love working with Enoch and getting to spend time with him. he a real worker and yet he's still that funny Enoch we have always known... the other day, walkin' out of the dining hall, he busted out a little boody dancin' and singin' a few lines "dang girl, how'd you get all that... in them jeans, in them jeans, how'd you get all that... in them jeans, in them jeans"... i laughed the rest of the day about how funny he can be.

when i least expect it, he'll come by and pat me on the back and give me a hug while we're cuttin' grass or blowin' off the roads. Sam and Enoch bought a house and are moving this week... they are so excited and i am so proud of both of them.

last week i drove down to see Terrie and Noah for Thanksgiving. i was on cloud nine to have them little hands reaching up for me to pick him up. God knows how to bless us beyond our imagination if we'll just be patient and let Him lead us instead of getting ahead of Him. Terrie and I decided several months ago to seek God's will and wait on Him to direct our future decisions. We both know that God has a plan and we're waiting for Him this time.

it was good to spend a couple of days in MS to see my mom and my sister. Chris and Maria came with their boys (five wonderful grandsons!) i can't explain how good it made me feel to hug my oldest son and see how great a dad he has become. i'm hoping to make a trip to TX in a few weeks to spend Christmas at Chris and Maria's house.