Learning to lean

it's not easy for me to lean on friends even though real friends don't mind lending support and listening to our frustrations and questions. as a counselor i have talked and listened to many friends but as a person who is confused and searching for answers it's very hard for me to ask for help. for the past 4 weeks i've been meeting with a good friend and counselor named Terry Shank who manages the Winshape Marriage Retreat where i now work. he's helped me to see things that i have managed to suppress for quite some time now. i'm still confused about how my life has crumbled around decisions that i made without God. i'm better than i was a few months ago but still walking like a blind man grasping for directions. it would be nice for someone to say, ok jeff this is what you've got to do, but it doesn't work that way. i'm 46 and its a heavy feeling to know that i'm starting over again with a bleak view of what i can do. what i have to remind myself is that it's not what i can do but what God can do. one of the things i've managed to do over the years is to seperate myself from having to lean on anyone. i've always wanted to appear to others like everything is perfect and alright. i've never wanted to be a weight or bother to anyone. i've always found it very gratifying to be able to help others but it's very humbling to admit that i need help. i've had my share of valleys but this one makes all the others seem small. my struggles that i'm in now has almost taken my life and most certainly has crippled my judgement, stolen my laughter and joy, and inflicted more loneliness and shame than i've ever imagined. i look back on my life thinking where in the world did i start down the path that has led me to this place. my counseling meeting yesterday helped to answer a small part of that question and this path was most likely began when i seperated myself from the support of friends. no matter how good you are or how close to God you think you are, no one is exempt from falling prey to temptation. God will always provide a way of escape but sometimes when we have no one to lean on, we fail to look for that way of escape. i've found that most people ignore God's directions until chaos sets in, and then we look to God and say ok, now will you fix it. i don't know how God will do it, but He has a plan that will lead to a life full of joy, laughter, and happiness. i'm still unsure and confused about a lot of things, but one thing i'm sure of is that God still loves me. and that's enough for me to make it one day at a time... i understand that God is a healer and He has a healing for me that will set me free from the bondage of sin and from the misery of unforgiveness. i'm sorry for allowing myself to give in to the temptations and He has forgiven me... i'm fighting to work my way thru this trial of forgiving myself. i'm not there yet but i'm on my way ;-)

Great Expectations for 2010

this little guy knows he can give ya some good lovin'. Noah is 14 months old now and is into everything. its almost unbearable for me to be so far away from terrie and noah.  but in God's time things come together and i'm lookin' forward for us to be together. i've had my share of trials and mountains but God is faithful and has always loved me. even when we fail to follow Him, His love never diminishes. There's nothing like walking with God. We've been friends for a long time and i'm glad to know He still loves me. His forgiveness is always as close as our prayer... but it takes a little longer for us to forgive ourselves and let ourselves be happy again.
our adversary has kept me down for quite some time now but i've been thinkin' about the eagle story and how that the eagle was not made to walk in the dark valley but he was created to fly high in the sky and make his nest high on the mountain side. i'm not sure what God will let me do but as the blind man once said, i was blind but now i see. i can't see the future but i can see God and that's enough for me. i'm just taking each day, one day at a time. i'm not happy with my circumstances but i am happy knowing that God is guiding me and keeping me in the palm of His hand. i also know that God protects the ones we love and His angels are keeping Terrie and Noah safe in alabama.

terrie was so happy to get to see wesley during the Christmas holiday. he attends college and is an excellent athlete. today is terrie's birthday and she turned 35.

we like playing chess and she has become an excellant chess player. somebody (wonder who) has taught her some pretty good chess moves and she's not afraid to use 'em. i miss sitting together on the couch and watching a good movie. when i went to visit for christmas, we managed to watch a couple of movies when noah was taking a his nap. when he is awake, it's playtime, wrestle time, watch what i can do time, and he's more fun to watch than any ole movie. we can never get enough of playing with him.

Being in the presence of God

i woke up this morning thinking about noah as i do every morning.  i miss him and pray for God's angels to watch over him. i know that God will in His own time work things out for me. i'm moving on with my life and following God again. it feels good to be in His presence and it was a good feeling when i walked into to church this morning. i attended armuchee church of God and sat beside brother Leon Coley.  it was just what i needed and i'm going back to the night service tonight. it's nice to be off from the pizza place. i cut back on my hours at papa johns and working only 4 days a week delivering pizzas. i started on a paint job last week at first baptist church in lindale and will try to finish it up as soon as the weather warms up a little.