Learning to lean

it's not easy for me to lean on friends even though real friends don't mind lending support and listening to our frustrations and questions. as a counselor i have talked and listened to many friends but as a person who is confused and searching for answers it's very hard for me to ask for help. for the past 4 weeks i've been meeting with a good friend and counselor named Terry Shank who manages the Winshape Marriage Retreat where i now work. he's helped me to see things that i have managed to suppress for quite some time now. i'm still confused about how my life has crumbled around decisions that i made without God. i'm better than i was a few months ago but still walking like a blind man grasping for directions. it would be nice for someone to say, ok jeff this is what you've got to do, but it doesn't work that way. i'm 46 and its a heavy feeling to know that i'm starting over again with a bleak view of what i can do. what i have to remind myself is that it's not what i can do but what God can do. one of the things i've managed to do over the years is to seperate myself from having to lean on anyone. i've always wanted to appear to others like everything is perfect and alright. i've never wanted to be a weight or bother to anyone. i've always found it very gratifying to be able to help others but it's very humbling to admit that i need help. i've had my share of valleys but this one makes all the others seem small. my struggles that i'm in now has almost taken my life and most certainly has crippled my judgement, stolen my laughter and joy, and inflicted more loneliness and shame than i've ever imagined. i look back on my life thinking where in the world did i start down the path that has led me to this place. my counseling meeting yesterday helped to answer a small part of that question and this path was most likely began when i seperated myself from the support of friends. no matter how good you are or how close to God you think you are, no one is exempt from falling prey to temptation. God will always provide a way of escape but sometimes when we have no one to lean on, we fail to look for that way of escape. i've found that most people ignore God's directions until chaos sets in, and then we look to God and say ok, now will you fix it. i don't know how God will do it, but He has a plan that will lead to a life full of joy, laughter, and happiness. i'm still unsure and confused about a lot of things, but one thing i'm sure of is that God still loves me. and that's enough for me to make it one day at a time... i understand that God is a healer and He has a healing for me that will set me free from the bondage of sin and from the misery of unforgiveness. i'm sorry for allowing myself to give in to the temptations and He has forgiven me... i'm fighting to work my way thru this trial of forgiving myself. i'm not there yet but i'm on my way ;-)