one of my favorite pics

noah has the most incredible personality and an amazing way of always looking adoreable. this pic was taken when we were caught in the rain. it's one of my favorites. he'll be 2 years old in october and i get to see him every other weekend. it's not enough but my parents taught me a long time ago to make the best of what i have and when we're together, its non-stop action. he loves riding in my truck and playing outside. i love to hear him talk and say "daddy". it lights up my world!

i love working with tony walker here at WinShape Retreat. the Lord has once again placed me amongst a fellowship of Christian people that has been a great source of strength and guidance during a time in my life that i have felt lost and undone. one of my favortie quotes from the movie nacho libre, "I am the gatekeeper to my own destiny and I will have my glory day in the hot sun." it's a funny movie, another one of my favorites.

Life is good

...and it's getting better everyday. this picture was taken a few days ago when i went down to see my little boy. it's been a long eight months living 5 hours away from noah. it was necessary for me to walk thru this desert to find my forgiveness. i've been praying for God's forgiveness but what i had trouble with was my forgiveness. the other day i was listening to one of my favorite song groups (casting crowns) singing "east to west" and it reminded me that God's forgiveness is so divine that it is as though we have never sinned. it feels good to be able to believe myself when i say I am a good man, i am a good father, i am a christian, i am forgiven and i feel clean again.

God is sovereign which means he is in control. In John chapter 11 there's a story about lazarus getting sick and dying. Jesus purposely delayed his arrival until lazarus died. sometimes when we are in distress we want Jesus to hurry up when at times He will purposely delay His coming until things get worse. Martha said in John 11:21 "Then said Martha unto Jesus, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died..." and Jesus replied, "Thy brother shall rise again". Martha then said, "I know that he shall rise again in the resurrection at the last day" she said I know, signifying that she felt confident that she knew the scriptures.  Jesus said, "I am the resurrection"... in other words, He was asking, I know you know what the scriptures say, but do you know me? It didn't sound right for Jesus to say he was glad to not have been there when Lazarus died but He had a greater purpose for His delay. and that was to prove His sovereignty even when we think He should do otherwise.

Thank you God for loving me ;-)

A Clean Feeling

it was a nice day at church yesterday... it was the first time in a long time for me to feel clean and comfortable at church rather than feeling like i had mud all over me. God gave me a wonderful feeling that has replaced the one that the devil had caused me to feel. (like everyone was staring at me)

the chains that have kept me from raising my hands have been broken. i felt free to lift my voice in praise and it was a wonderful feeling to sing and play the piano. God has a way of mending us though it sometimes seems that we may never be the same. the thing that God wants us to see is that it's true we may never be the same but He has a way of making things better than they ever were.

it's hard for me to imagine how He can make things better, but i know He has proven it time and time again. i will be happy again, i will allow myself to make others happy, i have forgiven myself for hurting others, i have accepted God's forgiveness and know that He has cast my sins as far as the east is from the west. by his Grace it is as though i have never sinned.

no one has the right to look at me with disgust or dissappointment. i am but a fallible man that has been saved by the Grace of God. i am a good man but at times i err and at times i'm imperfect. i strive to be a perfect man but i understand that i am not perfect. i serve a God who is perfect and i strive to be like Him (Matthew 5:48). one day i will lay this body down and on that day, i will be perfected (I Corinthians 15:54). but until then, it is a perfecting process.

as silver is heated, the dross and imperfections rise to the surface. the process is to remove what rises to the surface and then reheat the silver until it becomes pure. it's not easy going thru the process but the outcome will be worth going thru the fiery trial. getting rid of the worldliness that lies within us is imperitive for us to have a clean feeling.

I Peter 4:12 Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: [v.13] But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.

i am looking forward to what great things God has in store for me and the ones i love. He is in control of my income, my shelter, my transportation, my work, and my family. it is my desire to become a vessel of honor, prepared for every good work. it is only then that i will be the best person that i can be. i am truly a good man when i am God's man.

II Timothy 2:20 But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and of silver, but also of wood and of earth; and some to honour, and some to dishonour. [v.21] If a man therefore purge himself from these, he shall be a vessel unto honour, sanctified, and meet for the master's use, [and] prepared unto every good work.

But the mountain shall be thine

I listened to one of my favorite songs on the drive back to Georgia entitled "East to West" by Casting Crowns. the message is that God has forgiven me of my sins and has removed them from my life as though i have never sinned. There is no doubt that God has blessed me with a passion to facilitate and lead young people to serve God and be true worshippers. for the past six months i have exhausted every means available to get a career going in information systems to no avail. God has been patiently waiting with open arms to give me the true desires of my heart and minister again.

the devil has been crushing my spirits over the past few days but i'm now realizing that it's been within God's plan. it's only when the rose petals have been crushed that they smell the sweetest. i may not ever be accepted within the circle of some churches because of my fall and that's ok. there's plenty of churches that overflows with God's Grace that are looking for workers for the harvest. when Jesus asked the desciples if they had caught any fish, they said no... it was then that Jesus said, "cast your nets on the other side of the ship". when they had done this, their nets were filled.

there's another mountain top waiting for me and it's my prerogative (an exclusive right or priviledge held by a person or group of people) to get back on top. Joshua 17:14-18 "But the mountain shall be thine"

Hope is a Powerful Thing

David, a man after God's own heart wrote these words... Psalm 42:5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.

He was at the bottom on more than one occassion but in this passage he is encouraging himself to continue holding on to God. His soul was sad and he felt as though a sword had pierced his heart but with "hope" he was able to praise God in spite of his sadness. and as he praised the Lord, his contenance was automatically lifted... he repeated his words again in verse 11 and one more time in the next chapter.

i sat down to write in my journal because it makes me feel good to write but i try real hard to only write uplifting things. i've been sitting here looking at a blank screen until i remembered how David was a man just like me. he had times when he was on the mountain and also times when he longed to be up there in the presence of God. this reminds me of one of my favorite passages of scripture. it always reminds me that God is listening.

II Samuel 22:1-10 And David spake unto the LORD the words of this song in the day that the LORD had delivered him out of the hand of all his enemies, and out of the hand of Saul. And he said, The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer; The God of my rock; in him will I trust: he is my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my refuge, my saviour; thou savest me from violence. I will call on the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall I be saved from mine enemies. When the waves of death compassed me, the floods of ungodly men made me afraid; The sorrows of hell compassed me about; the snares of death prevented me; In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried to my God: and he did hear my voice out of his temple, and my cry did enter into his ears. Then the earth shook and trembled; the foundations of heaven moved and shook, because he was wroth. There went up a smoke out of his nostrils, and fire out of his mouth devoured: coals were kindled by it. He bowed the heavens also, and came down; and darkness was under his feet.

I miss being in the position of serving God and my sorrow sometimes surrounds me and makes me feel like david. It has been unbearable for me to be away from the ones I love but it was necessary for me to get my feet back on the ground. I've dissappointed a lot of people and most of all I've dissappointed myself. God has picked up my broken pieces and has been working on a master plan of putting me back together. i used to build card castles during idle time at school. at first it seemed impossible but as my patience grew, my ability to build grew. God made me into a patient man a long time ago but during the past couple of years he has taught me more about patience than i have ever known.

i don't know how He can fix my situation, but i just know He can. somedays it seems as though i can feel my ship about to go under and if i look into my future with my understanding it overwhelms me to think about surviving in life, much less supporting a family. but hope is a powerful thing and with hope in God, i will continue to praise God and as I praise Him it automatically lifts my spirit leads back to the mountain into His presence ;-)

The Desires of Our Heart

i think all i've ever really wanted is to be loved. God has shown over and over that He loves me beyond anything i could ever say. He has given me three boys that make me feel like superman. chris, enoch, and noah... wow, thanks God for giving me more love than i could ever dream of having. God loves us and wants to give us the desires of our heart (Psalm 37:4 Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.) i feel as though God has washed away all my sins and has made me a brand new person. i've never been perfect but God has had His hand on me since I was a boy. and as for the devil, his efforts has been minimal until a few years ago. i have caused a lot of suffering from falling into the snares of the flesh but God has rescued me and has plans for my life still yet. i have a lot of love to share and i'm looking forward to embracing more happiness and love than i have ever experienced.

when we think we have seen it all, God has a way of showing up and giving us more than we could ever imagine possible. of course we are not worthy of this kind of love, but that is just who He is... He is a God that desires to give us good things... "the desires of our heart"

my life seems like a dream

there are days when i can hardly believe how my life has turned out but it is what it is and its my job to turn the page and thank God for loving me in spite of my failures. God has a unique way of bringing beautiful things out of our chaotic lives. He has given me a beautiful little boy that can make a sound like a chicken makes my world go round, He has brought me back to a place where I enjoyed living and I believe He will give me the desires of my heart. its ok for my life to seem like a dream, i like having good dreams and i have a good feeling that my life is about to be on top of a mountain. and when it happens, i will definitely give God all the glory ;-)